Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

*The Chubby Cheeked Monster decided to hit “Publish”. Isn’t he helpful? No? Well, adorable then!*

I think that I must not be a very faithful person. In the Bible, people endured l-o-n-g trials. The Isrealites in these desert, Job’s redemption, Paul’s long imprisonments that eventually led to his death.

Mine? Short. It doesn’t so much feel like grace as it does “well, she can’t handle much, so We won’t push her too far”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, but it leaves me longing for a maturity that I’m not gaining, and the reason is clear. I’m not spending my time in the Word. Not dialed in at church and small group (small group is a whole separate post), never take 20 minutes to just hang out with God and let Him talk to me about whatever is on His mind.

A friend of mine who is a missionary in a Muslim country starts his days off by asking, “God, what are you doing today? Can I tag along?”. That is wisdom. I absolutely need to start doing that. Today I started by putting one of my Bibles beside my bed to read while the kids sleep in the morning. I’ve purposed to start every day reading Proverbs.

Anyhow, the Music Man came home with roses yesterday, and it totally broke the angry spirit I was living in. By the grace of God, I asked him to sit with me on the sofa and talk. A good long conversation led to some constructive ideas on how we can work out the problem and then immediately putting one of them into practice. It was kairos, sacred time. We’re still light years away from where we need to be, and getting it right once doesn’t even come close to addressing the problem, but he took the initiative to make things better yesterday, and that meant a lot to me.

In the book Love and Respect (which I highly recommend), Emerson Eggerich talks about how women primarily need love, and men primarily need respect. Her respect fosters his love, which provokes her respect, and round and round we go. It really does work.

So Music Man and I got at least a little resolution, and I got my tomatoes and peppers into the ground. I’ll call it a successful day.

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They say to write what you know. Today what I know is painful, and I don’t so much want to talk about it. When I don’t want to talk, those of you who know me know that I probably NEED to talk. Sigh.

The Music Man and I have one real fight, and we’ve had it for several years. I tend to think that I’m right, (and Biblically I am, make no mistake) and he may or may not care, I’m not really sure. He says he cares, but when the situation is painful to me and he never makes any attempt to change it, well, I’m not buying what he’s selling. Even though I’m right, I know that doesn’t really touch the heart of the matter. If the heart of it is loving and honoring, I’m w-a-y outside of that dynamic.

But this is pernicious pain, insidious, leaking out of me. It’s pain that makes me want to rely on things that are outside of God and “lean into my own understanding”. Proverbs says that fools despise wisdom, that is, the right and wrong God explicitly gives us through the logos word, but what I’m dealing with right now is the rhema word, the whisper of the Holy Spirit to my ragged and wounded heart.

I just want to run it out, to hit the pavement so hard that I exhaust it out of my bones. I think it’s now inscribed on my marrow, replicating into every cell of my body. It’s one of those hurts that even the extensive work of forgiveness and reconciliation hasn’t yet stamped out. I don’t know if that’s because I haven’t worked hard enough, or if I haven’t released it fully, or if it just hasn’t been enough time. I always want something done with NOW, so two and a half years seems like an insufferable amount of time. I’m so restless, can’t just sit still and be with the feelings, with the Lord.

I’m not sure to it’ll get fixed right now, so I’m just trusting Romans 8:28.

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