Archive for the ‘The Year of Truth’ Category

Today is one of those days when it’s a challenge to be honest. When you feel like, “If I say this out loud, people are going to think that I’m wallowing in self-pity, or I’m a danger to myself or others, or they’ll think I’m just flat crazy.” But it is what it is, and I can’t control what anyone else thinks.

I’m tired in that bone-weary way. In a way that doesn’t feel like this nightmare schedule is ever going to end. In a way that makes me wish I could go hibernate and just never have to wake up.

Now, I know that sounds scary, like I’m deeply depressed, and maybe I am depressed. Heaven knows I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I truly don’t see anything lovely waiting at the end of this road. All I think is, “I just want something in my life to change.”

Never in my life have I felt so rock-bottom exhausted. I don’t have an ounce left to give to anyone, even my family. I’ve spent the last week hiding from my kids for the better part of the day, immersed in the cleaning, the laundry, the work (sigh, I’m so tired of thinking about work).

If this is what grieving is supposed to be like (and I don’t know if it is, actually. Will mention to the NSCO next time I see her), then I can’t see that it’s worth it. I can’t imagine any joy on the other side that would be worth this.

So that’s where I’ve been for the last week or two. Trying to hang on and keep all the necessary plates of child rearing and homeschooling spinning. Trying to be with Jesus enough to make each day bearable. Trying not to get sucked into a dark vacuum.

But I’m not hopeless, not reckless, and definitely not suicidal. I’ve also got a pretty sweet support system in place. And music, I’ve got music. And lots of Jesus, so we’ll count it doable.

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Picture from 123greetings.com

My precious friend Pam is now blogging just about every day. Today’s post was titled The Gift of Forgiveness, and it struck a chord with me. You see, I didn’t blog much about it at the time, but a year ago next Sunday was the day my church experienced a division.

In that, a seemingly insignificant action of mine blew up and caused serious problems with people I loved. It hurt some people who had been good to me for a long time, and it impacted at least four people seriously. I asked forgiveness of two of them a year ago, but didn’t really understand the need to ask it of the other two.

What’s so interesting is that the ones I asked it of a year ago said they forgave me, but their actions speak the opposite. The ones I didn’t ask, their behavior says they released me to God long ago.

Be that as it may, I finally felt convicted to ask their forgiveness tonight, a whole year later. Better late than never? Perhaps. I don’t expect a response from them, especially since none of the people involved are part of my life anymore, but I needed to ask for myself, for my obedience, and for my own healing.

It’s hard to close a door when so much remains unsaid. I miss those people, all of them, very much. It becomes more painful as the time passes, a small proof that my heart is being resurrected. I didn’t know resurrection would hurt quite so much.

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Happy new year! It seems like 2010 was hard for almost everyone I know, so along with them, I was ready to turn my calendar over to a new year.

I don’t do well when I try to focus my attention on too many things, perhaps because I’m already relatively busy. When I realize that my life is already full of my four babies, home schooling, getting good nutrition, weight loss, church obligations, and the gym, it seems silly to take on another thing.

But I have.

I started a new blog called The Selective Omnivore, where I work through some vegan recipes, mostly from Veganomicon. When they don’t work as written, I’ve decided to “omni it up,” making changes that might not be vegan, but sure are tasty. Check it out when you have a sec!

As I said in my last post, I expect that 2011’s going to be the year of pravda, truth. I’m scared of it and looking forward to it, but it seems like the events of the last few months are aligning to make that desire for truth a reality in my life.

Between beginning counseling, my uncle coming into my life, having an actual conversation with my mother, and my father contacting me, it’s just time.

Finally, I’m recommitting to my Russian studies. I essentially took all of 2010 off, and I’ve forgotten more than I remember. My goal is to get through all three levels of Rosetta Stone by the end of the year, then perhaps to start some formal Russian classes when I’ve finished.

I’m looking for truth in little pockets of my life, in corners and under rugs and in the marrow of my bones. Truth is succulent. Truth is nourishing. Truth is.

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