Archive for the ‘weight loss’ Category

Yeah, I just couldn’t deal today. With everything going on in my life, plus my daughter’s dance recital (let’s not even discuss getting ready for this cluster), I don’t have room. Maybe next week, maybe I’ll just skip this go round. Weight should be about the same as last time, and I’m ok with that.

Hope everyone’s well!

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  • Weight: 149.0 (75% to stretch goal)
  • Change in pounds: -3.8 lbs.
  • Body Fat: 28.4% (-1.0%)
  • Bust: 34.0″ (same)
  • Waist: 31″ (same)
  • Hips: 39.5″ (-1.5″)

OK, so I had a good loss this time. No doubt this comes because my body was happy that I finally stopped stuffing it too full. A few days of the last two weeks I ate weight loss calories, and most days I ate maintenance calories.

The Not-So-Casual Observer and I have had some conversations lately about my weight. She made me crazy mad one session where I felt she was trying to dictate how much I should eat. I didn’t quite understand why it was such a huge deal when I purged once (especially because I confessed how silly I felt afterward), but the night that I got wrecked after ancient worship by drinking four glasses of wine was easily dismissed.

We had a good conversation about it. Her stance is that eating disorders kill more people than any other psychiatric illness (this is true), and while she doesn’t worry that I’ll become an alcoholic due to my control issues, she could “easily” see me becoming anorexic. Ahem.

I don’t necessarily agree that I’d become anorexic. Given my long history with food issues, though, I see where she’s coming from. So maybe she’s being a bit overprotective, but at the end of the day, there’s a good reason. I felt better after we talked. As an aside, I love being able to talk about the issues in our relationship and having her take them seriously.

So where does that leave me? I’m not sure. I’ve spent some time trying on clothes from last time around, and I’d say I’m about five pounds away from fitting into my smallest clothes. That’s crazy, because even when I lose five pounds I’ll still be 12 pounds heavier than I was. My body is clearly different.

I still don’t feel small. In fact, in the middle of Girls’ Night Out on Friday, I was looking at photos taken by MD (a new friend) and said to Cara, “I look small!” I hope MD will email those photos soon so I can see again, because my brain doesn’t see in the mirror what I saw in the photos. On my year-long quest for truth, I’m hoping to get some here, too.

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For the first time, I’m actually pretty embarrassed to bring you an update! If you read here regularly, you know the things I’ve been struggling with lately, but never before have I used that as an excuse for not losing weight. Sigh. Here goes.

  • Weight: 153.4 (70.6% to stretch goal)
  • Change in pounds: -1.4 lbs.
  • Body Fat: 29.6% (-0.2%)
  • Bust: 36.0″ (-0.5″)
  • Waist: 32″ (same)
  • Hips: 41″ (same)

Part of the problem is my night eating. This has gotten way out of control, latel. I’ll do fine all day, eating a moderate amount and going upstairs for the night. Then at some point around 10 pm I’ll just wander downstairs and eat anywhere from 300-500 calories. It’s not generally junk (because we don’t have much in the house), but a handful of almonds, one square of dark chocolate, and a banana is 300 calories. That explains why I’m only in a 350 calories per day deficit; I’d have lost double what I did if I were to cut the night eating.

Right now I’m going to try a modified Medifast type thing (except I’d never actually DO Medifast because a) the soy b) the artificial sweetener c) I’m nursing and d) I can’t spend that kind of cash just feeding myself). I’m eating five 200 calorie “meals” plus dinner. We’ll see if that works for me. I’m thinking it’ll look something like:

9 am: power bar

11 am: 2 eggs, 1 tangerine

1 pm: whole wheat English muffin with coconut oil

3 pm: 1 oz almonds, half an apple

5 pm: dinner

7 pm: green smoothie

9 pm (if necessary, going for 100 calories here, probably a banana)

That should bring me in around 1500 calories per day. My workouts have tapered down to about 6 hours per week, so that should be enough food for my body not to freak out. However, the Radiant One is 7 months old and still not on solids, so she may be requiring a little more nutrition right now. Who knows.

I’m not going to make a goal for the next two weeks. I’m really bummed that I’m not out of the 150s by now like I was hoping, and at this rate, I won’t be for another month (at least). Going to try to give myself some grace in this place, but I’m not happy about it.

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I’m going to whine for a minute, ok? Actually, I don’t care if it’s ok, it’s my blog and I’m just going to do it.

I’m tired of trying to lose weight. I want to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. I want to stop weighing everything, counting everything, logging everything. I’m so freaking tired of going to the gym every night, stepping on the scale every morning, trying on the same dresses that don’t yet fit every week “just to see if I’m making progress.” It gets old.

I’m not sure if it’s just this particular weight that makes me feel this way. This is within three pounds of my high school weight, a weight that I easily maintained from age 14 to 25 (until I was pregnant with the Firecracker Princess). My body doesn’t seem to want to release any more pounds without a fight, and I’m too tired to want to fight.

I want it to just stand down and drop the fat and be done. I want it to just STOP feeling hungry and STOP holding onto the belly bulge and STOP looking how I don’t want it to look all the damn time.

And yet because I’m in the middle of some pretty intense counseling, all I can think when I say that is, “Why are you so angry at your body? What are you blaming it for? What’s really under all that rage?” It’s the right set of questions at the very wrong time. It’s so freaking annoying. My gut says that someone needs to suffer for my feelings of fear, failure, inadequacy, and that “someone” has always been this body. I have a hard time even connecting this container for my brain to an integrated self.

And we wonder why I have a hard time feeling. Ahem.

Someone did suffer for my feelings of fear, failure, and inadequacy, and sometimes I can take those feelings to Him, but most of the time I grit my teeth, suit up, and punish myself for every perceived flaw. It can be a dangerous neighborhood here inside my head.

Lest you be concerned about me, I’m eating. I’m not puking. I’m not working out too much. I’m accountable in counseling, and I’ve been super honest with the Not-So-Casual Observer about my history. I just needed to try and let some of the steam escape from my pressure cooker heart before it turned on itself again. This feelings business is no joke!

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Wowza, what a tough two weeks. New church, bunch of birthdays, lots of cake, crawling and teething, more cake, and a general lack of sleep. There may have been a bit more cake involved, too.

That said, I’m pleased to see a loss at all after a six pound gain. I thought I’d be out of the 160s by now, but no such luck (or effort, really, since I ate so. much. cake). Next time!

  • Current weight: 161.0 (61% to stretch goal)
  • Change in pounds: -1.6
  • Body Fat: 31.6% (-1.1%)
  • Bust 38″ (same)
  • Waist: 33″ (-1″)
  • Hips: 42″ (-1″)

I’m sorta ok with everything here. It’s only by the grace of God that I posted a loss at all during this two week period. I’ve averaged 1700 calories per day and have exchanged some heavy workouts for yoga, so my net loss is tiny, at best. My baby is nursing like mad though, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. All in all, it’s ok. I’m looking for a solid loss this next two weeks, though. It’s time to get back on track!

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Are you singing with me? “Highway to the danger zone. Take a ride into the danger zone.” If not, you weren’t born in the late 70s/early 80s.

I haven’t talked much about my history of an eating disorder because it’s generally a non-issue. I get a little grippy with my thoughts a couple days a year, but I think that’s pretty normal. The Not-So-Casual Observer and I have had some conversation regarding how much I exercise and how much I eat. She thought that my 10 hours of exercise (with no more than two per day) plus 1500-1800 calories (because I’m nursing) was reasonable.


I’m now at a weight where I really need to do more than that for all-around strength and fitness to reach my goal on time. I can’t get the calorie burn I need from just one hour of cardio per day. I need four hours to lift each week, and I’d like to get some yoga and Pilates back into my schedule. Fourteen hours should help, hopefully.

Until now, I’ve been pretty consistent with a 10-11 hour gym week, but I need to bump it up. I’ve lost flexibility because I don’t have time to get to yoga. My powerhouse isn’t as strong as it should be, giving me back pain because my abs aren’t strong enough to carry the load. My hip flexors are holding up, but I really need to get some cross-training in (preferably in the pool for my joints). There’s just a lot to do, and 10 hours a week ain’t cuttin’ it.

Having limitations put on my gym time stresses me out and makes me want to stop eating. That’s not really an option, what with nursing a little one, which drives me back to wanting to work out more. It’s a vicious cycle. It seems natural to me that, when faced with obstacles, one should just work harder and do more to overcome them.

Last night in The Ragamuffin Gospel, a guy was talking about how he’d gone on a drinking binge after seven years of sobriety. He confesses, and the addiction counselor replies, “Relapse spells relief…let’s figure out what you needed relief from and why.”

So here I am…confessing that I’m struggling with obsessive thoughts, wishing I was losing more weight than I am, faster than I should. I’m falling behind my goal line on Sparkpeople, and that never feels good.

I guess I need to figure out what I need relief from, as well as where I’m going in terms of fitness hours, because this is dangerous territory for me. Off to plan!

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Um, wow. The scale says I’m up SIX POUNDS from my 162.something on Wednesday. Now, I realize I’ve eaten restaurant food three times. There was a big birthday in there, some significant stress, and some stuff I’m now too Southern to post, but suffice it to say that six pounds is a huge dent to my self esteem.

I’ve also learned an important lesson: Do not order a 1/2 sheet cake for your 3 year old’s birthday. You will feel compelled to finish it because it was expensive. This is especially true when you can’t pawn huge chunks off on people at Chuck E. Cheese like we managed to do last time. I will say this, it will be finished tomorrow. Given that a 1/2 sheet serves 80 people, I’ll leave you to figure out how much cake we’ve eaten per person in six days. Gag.

I haven’t skipped any workouts, so I don’t believe that this is an actual gain. I should have actually LOST  a pound this week, according to the math. But it’s a bummer.

OK, I’m done whining about it. I’ve got to get myself back to the gym tomorrow after taking today off with a sick little one. Can’t wait to see my numbers fall again!

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