Posts Tagged ‘Cara’

I’ve written this post three times. The first time it was ready to publish, but my computer decided to turn itself off all willy nilly. The second time I was on the drive up to Ohio and fell asleep and forgot to save. This time, well, here it is.

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been invited to hang out with a group of Cara’s friends. Most of them have been friends for at least half of their lives (we all go to the same church), then there’s one “newer” girl, Talia, and me. I’ll make introductions to the cast of characters soon, but we’ve got Teva and Reina in the mix now.

So here’s the thing. I *think* these girls like me. I *feel* like I fit in pretty well with everyone. My raging insecurities won’t allow me to leave it at that, though. I wonder if I talk too much, am too opinionated, am not trying hard enough, am trying too hard, if they talk about me after I’m gone. I keep waiting for the popular vote to say “you’re out.” In fact, I’ve been tempted to just tell Cara, “Hey, if it’s not working, just let me know and I’ll stop coming by.”

The hell of it is that I really DON’T think they talk badly about me behind my back, but these are the things my insecurities whisper, fork-tongued and vile.

And girls, if you’re reading, I’m not looking for you to gush and tell me that I’m seven shades of awesome. I just needed to own where I am, how hard it is to be in relationships and feel afraid but push through. This is the stuff of life, after all. And it’s worth it.

Read Full Post »

  • Weight: 149.0 (75% to stretch goal)
  • Change in pounds: -3.8 lbs.
  • Body Fat: 28.4% (-1.0%)
  • Bust: 34.0″ (same)
  • Waist: 31″ (same)
  • Hips: 39.5″ (-1.5″)

OK, so I had a good loss this time. No doubt this comes because my body was happy that I finally stopped stuffing it too full. A few days of the last two weeks I ate weight loss calories, and most days I ate maintenance calories.

The Not-So-Casual Observer and I have had some conversations lately about my weight. She made me crazy mad one session where I felt she was trying to dictate how much I should eat. I didn’t quite understand why it was such a huge deal when I purged once (especially because I confessed how silly I felt afterward), but the night that I got wrecked after ancient worship by drinking four glasses of wine was easily dismissed.

We had a good conversation about it. Her stance is that eating disorders kill more people than any other psychiatric illness (this is true), and while she doesn’t worry that I’ll become an alcoholic due to my control issues, she could “easily” see me becoming anorexic. Ahem.

I don’t necessarily agree that I’d become anorexic. Given my long history with food issues, though, I see where she’s coming from. So maybe she’s being a bit overprotective, but at the end of the day, there’s a good reason. I felt better after we talked. As an aside, I love being able to talk about the issues in our relationship and having her take them seriously.

So where does that leave me? I’m not sure. I’ve spent some time trying on clothes from last time around, and I’d say I’m about five pounds away from fitting into my smallest clothes. That’s crazy, because even when I lose five pounds I’ll still be 12 pounds heavier than I was. My body is clearly different.

I still don’t feel small. In fact, in the middle of Girls’ Night Out on Friday, I was looking at photos taken by MD (a new friend) and said to Cara, “I look small!” I hope MD will email those photos soon so I can see again, because my brain doesn’t see in the mirror what I saw in the photos. On my year-long quest for truth, I’m hoping to get some here, too.

Read Full Post »