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Posts Tagged ‘father’s day’

This is Grieving

*Sorry if you got an update earlier. I wrote a longish, wistful post that WordPress ate in the 6-second interlude between tagging and posting.*

I’ve always sort of ignored Father’s Day. Since my own father has been out of my life for almost twenty years, I just haven’t paid it much attention. Of course, I woke up this morning knowing it is Father’s Day. I have a husband who is father to our four kids. I have a father-in-law, and even a stepfather. And somewhere in the world, I have a father.

I’ve been listening to Katy Kinard a lot lately. She’s got a song called Here that says, “And I’ve been falling in the open sky/It’s been hard to even breathe/I’ve been waiting for a father’s love to carry me, to carry me.”

It wrecks me every single time. It causes me anxiety, because I’m just starting to admit that I long to be fathered. I know that God placed that desire in my design, but it’s still a Big Scary Thing. Why is it so hard?

One thing Jesus has been telling me is that a father is meant to be a safe place, a tower of strength and protection. My father was the opposite of all of those things, and because of that I stopped believing that anything like security exists. That I’ve never given my heart to anyone since. That I don’t actually trust anyone.

My father abused me. He harmed me in ways that his leaving actually was the better outcome, and yet I still wanted him around. I used to think that that made me sick, that something was wrong with me, because who wants to be abused? Who wants that person’s presence anymore?

But I think now that the desire to be loved is so strong that even an unreasonable facsimile is preferable to total abandonment. Which tells me that my longing to be loved is ingrained. Which tells me that my God placed it in me for a reason. Which tells me it wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t my fault.

I told Him what He was saying and how I was feeling were painful and a real downer. He agreed, but told me that this is grieving, and that it is powerful and necessary and beautiful.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families” (Ps 68:5-6a)

And that’s all I remember from the post that was lost. 🙂

 

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