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Posts Tagged ‘grace’

As one who has been relatively emotionless, I haven’t had the capacity to really look at the cross. It’s been too much, too much cruelty to look upon. But now that I’m feeling things and actively working on integrating emotions into my life, I have come face to face with the truth of the cross, the Truth ON the cross, and it’s breaking my heart.

They whipped You, they beat You, they spat on You. They shoved thorns onto Your head and into Your skin. Because of them, Your own mother hardly recognized You, except of course that a mother always knows her own child. They drove stakes through Your wrists. They stacked Your feet and nailed them down, then raised You up. You, beautiful Jesus. They jeered at You, blasphemed You, denied and deserted You. And what did You say? “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I have murdered many times over, and the truth is this:

I whipped You, I beat You, I spat on You. I shoved thorns onto Your head and into Your skin. Because of me, Your own mother hardly recognized You, except of course that a mother always knows her own child. I drove stakes through Your wrists. I stacked Your feet and nailed them down, then raised You up. You, beautiful Jesus. I jeered at You, blasphemed You, denied and deserted You. And what did You say? “Father forgive her, for she knows not what she does.”

Grace.

 

(Listen to the bridge. It’s amazing, truly amazing.)

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Y’all, I’m just tired. And you know what they say in the Anonymous programs–don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I’m pretty good on the first three, but I’m flat exhausted emotionally. This feelings business is serious, and the cost is high. Worth it, but costly.

When I get this tired, I’m more susceptible to lies. The one I’ve been wrestling with the most lately is that I’m just too broken to be fixed. There are too many pieces of me smashed into jagged shards, left in random locales, lost forever. I’ll never get fixed, get healed, be what I’m supposed to be. But this morning, I felt like Jesus said, “Grace is what says it doesn’t always have to be this way.”

And so I’ll accept, without knowing the why and wherefore, that grace means I don’t have to stay fragmented forever. Let it be so.

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In counseling this week, the Not-So-Casual Observer said, “When I move toward you in compassion, you don’t want to receive it. You try, but you don’t want it.” Ouch.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while I thought about what she’d said. Then I looked her in the eye and said, “That really hurt.”

Which is, you know, huge for me.

She said, “I’m sorry.” Doesn’t make it hurt less, but then, that wasn’t really her plan.We moved on to my ideas of masculinity, and when I told her what I believe to be the definition of maleness (your average firefighter, for example), she said, “I think you like that in men because they don’t expose your hurt. They just let you be Hardass Heather.” (Ouch again! Can we feel me getting it on all sides?! Good thing I love this chick and think we work super well together!)

So I’ve been mulling over the meanings of those three words, and my reactions to each of them. I haven’t been able to come up with a working definition of each of them for myself. I’ve heard the old, “Mercy is not getting what you do deserve, grace is getting what you do not deserve,” but that just won’t serve for my purposes.

So mercy, grace, and compassion, I’m coming for you. However that looks!

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