Posts Tagged ‘Matthew West’

Y’all, I’m just tired. And you know what they say in the Anonymous programs–don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I’m pretty good on the first three, but I’m flat exhausted emotionally. This feelings business is serious, and the cost is high. Worth it, but costly.

When I get this tired, I’m more susceptible to lies. The one I’ve been wrestling with the most lately is that I’m just too broken to be fixed. There are too many pieces of me smashed into jagged shards, left in random locales, lost forever. I’ll never get fixed, get healed, be what I’m supposed to be. But this morning, I felt like Jesus said, “Grace is what says it doesn’t always have to be this way.”

And so I’ll accept, without knowing the why and wherefore, that grace means I don’t have to stay fragmented forever. Let it be so.

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Sometimes I get a little dejected when I think about all the ways it is possible to screw up a kid. I mean, I’ve got four so far, and it’s probable that at least one of them will end up on the couch because of my parenting. That bums me out. For the last few days, Jesus has been speaking to me about a few things related to my family history and my mothering.

The raging, screaming, shaming of my kids: It stops with me.

The alcoholism tearing families apart: It stops with me.

The barrenness and lack of heart for children: It stops with me.

The secret abuse: It stops with me.

Because of Jesus, because of His promises, generational curses are being broken. My simple faith is bringing new life to my offspring and, God willing, they will never have to live some of the things I’ve lived through. This brings me joy, knowing that my babies will be protected from things I couldn’t protect myself from.

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