Posts Tagged ‘self hatred’

First of all, I forgot that people who actually know me read this blog. Someone had to remind me of the personal connection in an email yesterday. So, uh, hi. And welcome and all…

I thought this was going to be an easy week. I didn’t have counseling because the Not-So-Casual Observer is on spring break, so I figured there wouldn’t be too much emotional drama. Ha, ha, and ha again!

This has been a week of pretty serious revelation, and much of it has cut me to the quick. It’s required some good old fashioned honesty. In my last session we were talking about how to dismantle my harboring self-hatred. Doesn’t that sound passive and removed? I feel like Jesus said, “The truth will be your saying, ‘I hate myself.'” It’s jarring. It’s emotional. It’s hugely exposing, and ultimately true.

I hate myself.

He told me to make a list of everything I hate about myself. It is a long list, and not finished. I wish I knew what the purpose was, what I’ll have to do with the list when it’s done, but I think if I knew, I’d be apt to keep the harder stuff off the list. Arg.

On the flip side, there have been things that have been difficult but ultimately lovely. Remember when I talked about the Joy Project? My wonderful friends have all responded, and I was blessed by what they had to say. Then one day I felt God asking me to ask Him the same questions.

Um, gulp.

I’ve gotten through the first two, and they were significantly sweeter than I expected. I’ll never forget what my friend Lu said in an inner healing class a few years ago, “You’ll know it’s the voice of God because it’ll be gentler than anything you’ve ever said to yourself.”

Amen, and thanks for the wisdom.



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