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Posts Tagged ‘shame’

Breaking Point

I hit it yesterday. I saw it coming and kept right on going and have the swollen glands to show for it. Oh yeah, it got that bad.

So here’s the deal. I’m doing a companion workbook to a book my shrink gave me. I got to the chapter on shame yesterday, and it took me apart. I’d answer a question, go eat some almonds. Answer another question, have a cookie. And on and on until I’d hit a 1400 calorie binge in less than 2 hours. It was ghastly.

What’s worse, I was eating a bowl of cereal and having these thoughts that I haven’t had in years, in almost a decade. Within three minutes I went from, “Wonder if I could still do it” to “Yep, as soon as I swallow this last bite.” Almost before I knew it myself, I was in the bathroom puking up the bowl of cereal.

The beautiful part of the situation, if there is one, is that I realized simultaneously how easy it would be to go back there and just how absurd it is. I mean really, what grown woman decides it’s better to throw up rather than deal with her stuff? And what grown woman pursues a cookie rather than Christ? Hopefully not this one, at least not anymore.

So I’ll bring it up in therapy Monday, but I don’t honestly see this being a problem anymore. Today my appetite has been moderate, but nothing compared to the roaring lion that been consuming my gut for the last two weeks.

The tag line for this blog is, “Because knowing myself is harder than I expected.” Indeed.

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