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Posts Tagged ‘the joy project’

First of all, I forgot that people who actually know me read this blog. Someone had to remind me of the personal connection in an email yesterday. So, uh, hi. And welcome and all…

I thought this was going to be an easy week. I didn’t have counseling because the Not-So-Casual Observer is on spring break, so I figured there wouldn’t be too much emotional drama. Ha, ha, and ha again!

This has been a week of pretty serious revelation, and much of it has cut me to the quick. It’s required some good old fashioned honesty. In my last session we were talking about how to dismantle my harboring self-hatred. Doesn’t that sound passive and removed? I feel like Jesus said, “The truth will be your saying, ‘I hate myself.'” It’s jarring. It’s emotional. It’s hugely exposing, and ultimately true.

I hate myself.

He told me to make a list of everything I hate about myself. It is a long list, and not finished. I wish I knew what the purpose was, what I’ll have to do with the list when it’s done, but I think if I knew, I’d be apt to keep the harder stuff off the list. Arg.

On the flip side, there have been things that have been difficult but ultimately lovely. Remember when I talked about the Joy Project? My wonderful friends have all responded, and I was blessed by what they had to say. Then one day I felt God asking me to ask Him the same questions.

Um, gulp.

I’ve gotten through the first two, and they were significantly sweeter than I expected. I’ll never forget what my friend Lu said in an inner healing class a few years ago, “You’ll know it’s the voice of God because it’ll be gentler than anything you’ve ever said to yourself.”

Amen, and thanks for the wisdom.

 

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The Joy Project

I’m working on several things in counseling (Who am I kidding? I’m working on EVERYTHING in counseling). Last week one of the things I feel like Jesus said was to work on a scrapbook of sorts called The Joy Project. While much of what it will contain is too intimate to share with anyone, I’d like to share what I can here.

One of my assignments last week was to find a few people and ask them four questions:

1. What do you perceive as bringing me joy?

2. What do you enjoy about our relationship?

3. What good things do you see in me that I miss?

4. What do you enjoy about me?

You may imagine that these make me want to puke. I asked four friends to answer them and am awaiting their responses. I’m planning to put them in my Joy Project, at least the ones where Jesus whispers in my ear, “That’s true, my love.”

I’ve told the Not-So-Casual Observer that it’s her flip, offhand comments, the stuff she says without thinking, that I tend to think about for several days after my session. Tonight she said something at the tail end that I’ve been chewing on for a couple of hours now, and it makes me blush every time it crosses my mind.

She said, “I experience a lot of joy when I’m around you.” No one’s ever said anything like that to me before, and I told her so, then got sorta quiet. I assumed she sensed my discomfort and would leave it alone (ha!  ha ha!!), but nooooooo. She pushes the point further. “That’s how it should have been all along.” Sigh.

Maybe then I’d know what it’s like to let people (gulp) enjoy me, to enjoy them.

Today’s bit of joy was the first daffodil of the season. This brave little flower opened up when no one around it would.

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