Posts Tagged ‘whining’

I’m going to whine for a minute, ok? Actually, I don’t care if it’s ok, it’s my blog and I’m just going to do it.

I’m tired of trying to lose weight. I want to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. I want to stop weighing everything, counting everything, logging everything. I’m so freaking tired of going to the gym every night, stepping on the scale every morning, trying on the same dresses that don’t yet fit every week “just to see if I’m making progress.” It gets old.

I’m not sure if it’s just this particular weight that makes me feel this way. This is within three pounds of my high school weight, a weight that I easily maintained from age 14 to 25 (until I was pregnant with the Firecracker Princess). My body doesn’t seem to want to release any more pounds without a fight, and I’m too tired to want to fight.

I want it to just stand down and drop the fat and be done. I want it to just STOP feeling hungry and STOP holding onto the belly bulge and STOP looking how I don’t want it to look all the damn time.

And yet because I’m in the middle of some pretty intense counseling, all I can think when I say that is, “Why are you so angry at your body? What are you blaming it for? What’s really under all that rage?” It’s the right set of questions at the very wrong time. It’s so freaking annoying. My gut says that someone needs to suffer for my feelings of fear, failure, inadequacy, and that “someone” has always been this body. I have a hard time even connecting this container for my brain to an integrated self.

And we wonder why I have a hard time feeling. Ahem.

Someone did suffer for my feelings of fear, failure, and inadequacy, and sometimes I can take those feelings to Him, but most of the time I grit my teeth, suit up, and punish myself for every perceived flaw. It can be a dangerous neighborhood here inside my head.

Lest you be concerned about me, I’m eating. I’m not puking. I’m not working out too much. I’m accountable in counseling, and I’ve been super honest with the Not-So-Casual Observer about my history. I just needed to try and let some of the steam escape from my pressure cooker heart before it turned on itself again. This feelings business is no joke!


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